Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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