My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
