Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
