Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
