Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
