I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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