wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
