Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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