I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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