she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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