she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
