Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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