I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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