They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
