how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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