you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
