My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
