He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
