oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
