Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
