the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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