I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
