That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
