Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
