You made me cry and you don't even care
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
