wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
