you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize