Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
