i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
