Tell her she can't have a vagina
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
