just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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