remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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