3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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