just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
