Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
