i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
