I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
