Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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