i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
