listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
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Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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