She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
