I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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