i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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