Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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