he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
