they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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