If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
