You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You took a bar mat shot.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
