I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
