We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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