listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
