He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
