Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
