Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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