my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
