my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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