Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
