My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
